Real One

As much as I wanted to extend my verbal expression about my first pick on the most relevant post I've read on the internet I would just go to the ones I can relate so here we go;

Number (1) was the first thing that caught my attention yet, I'll save the best for last.  I'll go first with the;

Number (11) Make peace with your past so it won't mess up with the present. Hmm, just realized things from my past. What if my past doesn't want to make peace? What should I do? Do I have to chase on it just to make peace regardless of the circumstances? Well, there was this favorite person of mine whom I hurt the most; I mean we're both in so much agony of the delicate things we didn't handle the way we should and we both developed anguish, emotional distress, and the feeling of trying to avoid the pain of loneliness and yet we both drove ourselves there. It took me 15 long years when I wrote him, you know, professing the so called "story of us" thing; every moment, the love, the sacrifices, the pain, and the good byes, that up to now when I check my emails I would stop and read my letter to that person and still it gives me the feeling of yesterday, so fresh -- so tangible that it makes me cry bitterly. The chilling effect of "What Ifs". An agony, geez. It wasn't the chance or whatever you want to call it, I took the risk and the opportunity to peace because I deserve my present. They say "If you don't take risk then you're wasting your soul." So there it was sent, seen but no reaction, none, nothing, just SEEN. Just like the coldness of the icy snowman in L.A. And so in a rational manner I've decided to stop right there and then; back off girl, it was done, and the word said "Make peace" and so you did. It doesn't said that they must also peace with you reciprocally. The effort, the awkwardness, the feeling of unwantedness and all that confusing manifestations that can arise from this and can succumbed my being again is enough for me to bear. I did it! And that's far more than enough. Enough is enough. I am Worthy and I remember that. It's all up to him. Not mine.

 Number (28) Forgive yes but forget not. I forgive easily. I even forget what's done even if it crushed to the point of me swooning, really. But the one I will discuss is different. A married couple I know for 16 years now. A good looking couple I might say, they were the happy-loved-fulfill couple I know beside my parents. But they don't have the so-called "Fruit of the womb," yeah, a little bit sad but knowing them they were happy more than a bird with french fries. They go life, they love life and they were a religious couple. One day the husband cheated on her but the wife already knew it the first sign. They quarreled over the question as to why would you do such horrible-betrayal-unrespectful-inhuman thing to your wife, who was there for you all along, who sacrificed so much, who gives you understanding, who comforts you, who love you unconditionally, who give up her life just to give you a decent family, a tidy home, a good food, and to make everything in good order, she even taught herself to know and love God so she can love you better. Why did you do this? See... how can she forgive with that so much pain she can't barely assume. But you know what she does amazed me. With all those exhausted -- wasted time they quarrelled she realized she wasn't alone, she had God. And while she's praying, she decides on something beautiful, she compose herself, she do things the way she always does in that marriage and then one day her husband asks her "Why are you so calm after what we've been through, I'm kinda scared" she replied "With all the betrayal you've done I fail to keep my calmness, I lose my grip on life, I lose myself in the process, and I almost forgot I have God, and now I have decided to leave you peacefully, I have plans, tomorrow I will go some place where I'm wanted and loved, because when you cheated on me you're telling me you don't need me. and so I go. I will go in a peaceful manner, I don't want to quarrel anymore, i won't fight with you. you can now go with your mistress." And so the husband begged for his wife not to leave him, he begged his wife's forgiveness and asked his wife's permission to pray the Rosary with her. And so they did. She forgives him for God's sake. It was all for the Glory of God that she forgives not only because she want peace for herself. And I am certain that she cannot moved past this life's excruciating experience without God. I just know that. So we forgive because we have God. Some forgive because they want to douse of past history that may have be disadvantageous and have negative effect on their life. Some forgive because it's their nature. And I forgive because I deserve life and I am a child of God.

To be continued ...

Fox in Flats

 

The coolest...

"Dress not to impress but to make the day lighter and bolder -- specially Mondays." 

I am a conformist, unconventional life style is so appealing to me. I'm into classic, vintage, unique, and unusual stuff that recites a story, something so modernly royal. I am fascinated with clothes that displays eccentricity, which I commonly referred to as queer style, I find it very likeable and I fancy every garbs which distinguished the personality of the user, so cool and comfy at the same time which I think the most important characteristic in general not to mention the power it gives the wearer to look more lovely and attractive. Spell design and those eccentric line of clothing are my fave, my happiness. I go with rustic look, easy cool, classy jeans and shirt with a little bit of modern kick like I said. Something I less expect people to wear but there -- donning it the most luxurious way ever.

P.S. I am a gypsy... love wondrous bohemian fashion!

Turning Point -- Summer '95

The greatest dreams are always unrealistic. Now, I'm looking back with a mocking smile, with stifled gasp and my throat flowed uninterrupted. I'm giving up, my life, my dreams, on what I believed the most important phase in my entire being, I'm giving up on you.

I can no longer be patient, I make a great effort, 'been there-done that' but still. I was bewildered by your torturing expressions, you're like a gratuitous drug, you make me feel unrested, ripped, broken, you make me feel jaded. 

Maybe my smile was unconvincing but you cannot scrutinize my face, you too, you're wearing the most annoyed-regretful eyes in this whole damn world. We all have that kind of feeling, you know, loosing the one you loved just because you are stupid enough not to fight for that very special person. You're lying if you will say you never felt this. Pardon me, but I'm just being worthy of being depended on.

You were my hectic frenzy sleepless nights. A roaring to life that threatened me, though I have a choice and the choice was to cut you out of my life, and who cares. NOBODY.

I was relieved when a dangerous empty instinct browsed the page and what I saw was your glowing life. Unfortunately, triggers my nerve to fluctuate, yet arrived me to what I considered necessary and acceptable, "LOOSING THE FAITH and GIVING UP ON SOMETHING I LOVE THE MOST." It was basically the original and considered thoughts at that very moment.

And then I find things easy, though this is always be new to me, the feeling of child-like playing outside then suddenly it rains, and all I can to do is run inside and allow the pelting rain to stream down my riddled thoughts. So sad, I cannot do anything. Why does it have to rain when I'm having fun with the sun? The exact overwhelming feeling I had when our story nearly end...

I'm afraid of life-twist-riffled-event-waiting moment, of gravity, up and down, It was unforgivable for me to behave so but it happened, and life happen, and it happens completely. If only you can still remember the day when you asked me "Do you want to go to San Francisco and live with me there?" And then I looked at you in a naive manner, having no idea what you're trying to compel. I hope it was something obligating, that you're compelling me to do exactly as you told me, then maybe I have obeyed you.

In a flare of resentment, I wanted to cry out my being "F Free World, F everything, gravity, destiny, choices, rules and everything that halted us from being one. Soon, anguish refuse my avoidance, it runs deeply in my heart, what I knew was the right thing then... the need to see you again but how? Yet, life goes on.

Since I was usually described as a wise story-teller and you as a cool-riddled-mystery man, I am not surprise to find you the same description. Because I know for a fact that was the reason I feel in love with you. 

I understand we are both fighting the feeling of drowning in love with each other, with someone we barely know.

Twenty years past, the feeling of wanting to see you persisted. I can still feel the excruciating desire of "MUST HAPPEN," yet I am unselfish enough to wrestle for what is decently appropriate, and that is to give up the thoughts of YOU. An inclination to somehow put an end to what I believed is not serving me fair, and right to the people around me for that matter.

Happy to let go...

As I was sitting on my couch, things started to run in my thoughts and it brings to mind a memory of you, of me, of us. It was just a short phase of time though but it was a phenomenon reminiscing all afternoon.

The Beginning

I was in sixth grade when I first had my crush -- turned out to be my first ever love. A delight to my everyday mood, my mysterious adventure, my sunshine, my everything. And just to give you an introduction about HE; an Atenista in high school and a Thomasian in college, while I was in public school.

It was always in summer that I got a chance to see him, and took me three years to see him again -- still I got caught up in his presence, his charming eyes, humble looks, and witty smile. Irresistible as he was the first time I nailed my eyes on him, it felt like heaven. I wasn't expecting anything to happen soon, actually I was but who knows. While I was having my summer break of 1995 before my junior year here's what happened.

"Maya," a friend of mine said "My friend wanted to meet you, is that okay?" and I said "Sure, why not?" And he goes "Great, see you around 7 o'clock then" and I said "Okay." Clock is ticking and I didn't even recognize it was almost 7 o'clock and while I was with my siblings doing crazy stuff and goofing around, my friend came and to my surprise his friend was the same guy I have crush on since I was in grade school, and I will be in junior high so to speak during that time. The unexpected vivid recurrence of the past took place. Sweet! "Hi," his voice flowed into my being, "My name is Paulo, nice to meet you finally," and what am I thinking that all I do is to smile, speechless I am, and finally my mouth opened and I said "Hi, how are you?" and he smile, the sweetest smile of all, geez, it must be love. That night, that very moment, I know I'm in love with him, and I acknowledge the fact that we were both waiting for that moment where we can finally say "Hi" to each other and start it all, our story, our love.

He is three-year older than me and feels too good to be true that he was the same guy I am dreaming of, the guy I see myself getting older and preparing breakfast with. And so the story goes on...

And because he is older than me, and I don't mind, I was into things that aren't serious enough to waken me from the things that eventually jolted the bond we have, and that is to give importance to what we had and pay attention to what we are going through and what to expect as a couple, considering I was not the "capable type" of girl his family or shall I say some of his family would have wanted for him so-to-speak. I was the simplest girl around and I was the uncool one, the outdated version of me, I believe. I feel so little.

I was in my room thinking, overthinking to be honest, with my limited capacity to overshadow my belief that everything will be just fine as what he assured me, I brushed aside the thought of that unfavorable circumstances because I believe in him and I believe in our love. It carries on, him in Manila, me in Bicol, he sends me cards on our monthly anniversaries, and I will always be excited and anxious at the same time, reading and being able to feel his presence was invaluable.

"Maya!", his brother would shout for joy, "Kuya, asked me to hand you over this card, open it!" "Alright, alright, calm down," I said, "Oh, well little boy, the card says "Between You and Me, so I assumed I cannot read this with you, I'm sorry." "Oh, that's okay, but I'm happy for both of you,!" "Thanks anyway." "You're welcome, gotta go." "Alright, bye, you take care handsome." And I would have my precious moment, reading every word he wrote, I have to admit he had a poet tongue, I find it surprising, someone as quiet as him is POETIC. He may look as if he doesn't care but with all the cards and letters he sent me, I understand he's that most shy romantic and loving man I can ever met in this lifetime, he simply wins me over,

I wrote my response with all the words professing his love, my love, our love. I would write mine as if I'm making a novel book, telling him stories, my school, my dreams, my ever growing love for him and confessing about it over and over again, and as a common, I would seal it with a kiss. Very youth, then I would ask my classmate Sonny to send him my letter. "Sonny, would you please go to the post office and send this letter?" "Sure, why not." "Thanks, Son" and he would answer "Alright." And that continued for as long as he was in Manila and I was in Bicol.

Little did I know one early morning he sends me flower, a red rose, with smile in his face he handed me his first flower, "Good morning," he said, and I am as expected, speechless again, God, what is happening to me? I keep on asking myself that everytime he is around I feel peculiar like a chicken. "Thanks, what are you doing here at this very early?" I asked him, he said "I will take you to school," and with eyes wide open I said "What?" He smiled and said "Yes, I will take you to school, I'm leaving tomorrow for Manila, that's why I wanted to spend more time with you." And I said "Okay, let's go then." We both smile, and everyone who sees us would know we were in love with each other, and I believe we were. But the truth of the matter was all the time I thought he was in Manila he was here in Bicol, without me knowing. What is he doing here, showing up without a cautionary advice, and he showed up  not to stay or to tell me he arrived but to say goodbye. I feel odd, that on the spur of the moment I was shaking, hurting, asking what is this? Why the hell he was here and I didn't know, and now I know because he's waving goodbye. When did he arrived? Why is he here? Why did he not informed me? How many days he stayed? Oh, God, what is wrong with me? And because as I've said I have my limitation which I gave myself just to avoid queries that can create conflict, my access to him was little. All I can do was to shut down and cry and hope for the best, that everything will be just fine. And as a promise the next day, the first saddest day of our story, he leaves for Manila and I have to be there with him, seeing him riding the bus, flashing a smile, and waving goodbye, that sucks, really sucks. "You take care, okay, I'll be back sembreak, wait for me, I love you." he said, and usually these are his words everytime he leaves for Manila, and I would go with "Yeah, love you too, take care" and so the bus goes but my tears won't.

As I walked back home, I am the saddest little girl, I didn't know what to expect, will he be back for me, will he forever be with me, the hopeless little girl shying away her tears and fixes her thoughts, "Bahala na." I would go straight to my room and cry for the rest of the night. I was really hopeless everytime he would leave. It's like crumbling my world over and over again, and with my young heart and mind I couldn't bear it no more. I almost give up. Months past, and I have to wake up early because I have an exam, so I go to school and sadness wants to be my buddy and so I take him with me while I'm having my exam. I leave school early, go home straight to my room again and the radio playing "I Love You More Than You'll Ever Know," geez seriosuly? I feel all alone, missing him, thinking if he is thinking of me, I wonder what he's doing, does he miss me, loneliness succumbed my being, just so sad. And he never know that part of me. How can he know? He doesn't even ask me about anything just this one time he asked me if I wanted to go with him to San Francisco, "Would you like to come with me to San Francisco?" And I would look at him with my heart trembles, what is he talking about? And I would answer "Yeah, but not now, I wanted to finish school and help my parents." And he would answer back "But of course. After I graduated from college I will get you here. I'll be the one sending you to school," and I never understand that, I don't know why. Maybe because it wasn't meant to be.

When finally it's past 7 o'clock when my mother called for dinner, and so I go down to have mine when suddenly someone called me "Maya, there's someone who wants to see you, he's outside, he told me not to tell his name because he wanted to surprise you," and I said "What?" "Yeah, just go and see for yourself." And at that very moment, seeing him, flaunting a smile, I knew it was him, the guy I longed for, for almost months now, not to count the years I've waited for him. In his excited tone he said "Surprise, can I hug you? Did you miss me?" he added, I smile and be speechless again, I wanted to feel his presence, his touch, I wanted to just be there and listen to his voice, and to just let the moment be, and eventually I said "I missed you, why are you here it's not yet sembreak?" and he answered me "I missed you and I wanted to see you, and so I road trip to be here with you," and I smile and said "Thank you." And we hugged, really tight. How can someone, like him do that effort just to see me, priceless, I know straight from my heart he loved me. And I loved him so.

During that time I'm having the most disturbing thoughts about him, about us, I was into my queries, I was very hesitant, I was confused, I'm having the most excruciating pain. I was in my most tacit moment of my life. I don't talk because that is my norms with him, he do all the talking I'll do all the listening and that is the most painful part, being able to listen and not being able to talk, imagine how I coped with it, with everything. Simple, I fight  the feeling of being disturbed and dubious because I love him enough to just bear all the pain. I was a superwoman. I believe. But days come and go. I won the battle. And he's still in Manila and me in Bicolandia.

And so we exchanged letters, I send him mine and he send his, with heart in it, kisses flying, and overflowing love, I know we were doing just fine. It goes on but not quite so. he had his life there, and mine here, and we were too busy with our own literally separate lives. I was too young to understand things, primarily not because I was too in love with the idea of me and him ending up but the fact that I was weighed less, unconsidered to be his girl, unwanted to be, uninvited by everyone in his life. That hurts, and I wrestle about it for almost half of our relationship but I never talk nor argue with him regarding that. I was silent in pain. I grieved that part of our story. He never see that part of me, solely fighting for our love, for my love. At that time I wasn't paying attention much on that vague painful context of our relationship, all I care was the "me and you against all odds and we can do it just be solid." But it wasn't all that, happy-loving-we can do this affirmation. I'm only human and so does he.

to be continued...

He Got Away

Summer of '95
Philippines

Dear You,

It breaks my heart that you didn't take time to accept my FB request, honestly, a difficult time to be us and I'm trying to find solace because of this. It's been 15 long years, I was 15 then, young-innocent-sweet who loved so much her years, I was inane of all, of the future, yet witting about you. I don't think much, I don't care looking most disagreeable character rather stupid loving you and hoping you would love me back. I'm writing this out of an thoroughly emotional state of my being that I have to say everything and to give my one-last shot, I'm not expecting any response from you because I know you won't bother to, but to know that at the end of this letter I can finally redeem myself is a relief, and I'm praying that it will ease both our pain.

I wonder if you loved me, loving someone means you spend time but you're not always around, you're with your friends and I can't blame you for that because I am an outdated-boring being then. Why do I have to always vie with whomever you have in your life or whatever you have for that matter? Why do you have to stay 15 or 25 minutes and leave? Why do I have to always beg for your time? Why do you have to make me feel unimportant? Why do I have to be like this if you have loved me enough? If you only ensured me then maybe I have different questions...

Beyond this overwhelming sadness, I know I have to do what's need to be done to make life worth living and I know I can do it and that is give another shot of life and give life a second chance, life happens and what happens, happens completely. I've destroyed myself only to realize this is not what you want, I wanted to be cool, I wanted to be in, I wanted to be in your circle only to realize you're way too far. 

Sorry for everything I've done for being so outdated, fashion trends and life in general and for being so the way I am. Sorry for all the sorrow, the uncounted confusing days, nights, and I'm sorry for being so LOYAL, that I did not see our differences and that you're so, so apart from me. I want us to be free from all this, this is just a ritual of hurt crumpled an innocence, but it only starts with taking down these walls around our hearts and letting it break, I'm letting mine bleed. Sure, you might not ever seen this side of me because I only cry once with you and that's about your letter saying you're giving your blessings if I feel like I want to have a relationship with some other guys. I was so confused, I don't know what to do, I cried till the tears won't drop but my heart is still crying, 

I was too young to fall in love and yet I loved you continuously but you never came back as you promised and I thought it was the end, my fault. I find a lot of freedom from accepting the things I can't change, I know that what I'm going through right now will not seem so much of a big deal year later. People can change to deepen. I want to touch you, yet if I do, I'm afraid. I hope you know me better for much of what I am, is made of you, so from a million thousand miles, I want you to be happy, that is all my concern, all the best with your family, beloved your wife, and constantly spend time with her.

If only I had met you after I've learned...

I’m saying this now despite the circumstances not because I hope somehow things will work out between us, but because I may never have the chance to say it again. And like you said; when one touched your life that person means so much to you, condition from friend, boyfriend, special someone or whatever, it doesn’t matter for as long as you’re able to feel how much you love that person and how much you care. I wanted to wake up from this bad dreams and things will go back to normal and maybe I should stop wishing for those moments when you’re gone or maybe not, or I guess we’ll never know or maybe I shouldn't have known you and that’s not so regretful.

Today was filled with here and now, moments where I wished so hard I could stop time or at least play backward. I’ve always brushed aside the thought of us because it wasn’t rational, and I thought there was no attraction. I was resistant to all the things you did for me in the name of friendship but that doesn’t explain why when you put your arm around me, I wished you would pull me closer. It doesn’t explain why when you talked about other people I felt a tinge of jealousy. And most of all, it doesn’t explain why I'm wishing so hard that things wouldn’t have to change. That you don’t have to go. That I don’t have to ask myself these questions That we can stay the way we were.

...two people who were totally comfortable with one another. 

Peace with me. So I can fight the feeling of not wanting you everyday. It's crazy, how I became so friggin insane about you, popping out at my door way. If you could just stayed any longer. Everytime you leave for Manila, it's hard to flash a smile when all I have to do is break down and cry, smiling is always been easier than explaining why I am sad. I got tired and didn't hold on tight because I felt like you never give me a reason to do so.

... so tired. 

They don't know how despite my 'confident, independent' front, I constantly feel like a failure and I always worry about letting people down because with people, there's no such thing as second chance. They don't know how much I'd like to have friends that last a lifetime, even though I keep saying it doesn't affect me when friends come and go because I've gotten used to people leaving, because everyone leaves, and you will also, and that’s exactly how I feel about you. 

Whatever it is, keep in mind that I  adore you, and if only you came back to me sooner, then maybe we will have another chance of picking up where we left off. I was waiting for you to glance back, hug me tight and hold me to the point of it never letting me go, maybe I could have waited for you any longer, that can be my reason not to let go of the hold, hold to the bond that we usually have, then maybe to this day, it's US.

Love,

me