Summer of '95
Philippines
Dear You,
It breaks my heart that you didn't take time to accept my FB request, honestly, a difficult time to be us and I'm trying to find solace because of this. It's been 15 long years, I was 15 then, young-innocent-sweet who loved so much her years, I was inane of all, of the future, yet witting about you. I don't think much, I don't care looking most disagreeable character rather stupid loving you and hoping you would love me back. I'm writing this out of an thoroughly emotional state of my being that I have to say everything and to give my one-last shot, I'm not expecting any response from you because I know you won't bother to, but to know that at the end of this letter I can finally redeem myself is a relief, and I'm praying that it will ease both our pain.
I wonder if you loved me, loving someone means you spend time but you're not always around, you're with your friends and I can't blame you for that because I am an outdated-boring being then. Why do I have to always vie with whomever you have in your life or whatever you have for that matter? Why do you have to stay 15 or 25 minutes and leave? Why do I have to always beg for your time? Why do you have to make me feel unimportant? Why do I have to be like this if you have loved me enough? If you only ensured me then maybe I have different questions...
Beyond this overwhelming sadness, I know I have to do what's need to be done to make life worth living and I know I can do it and that is give another shot of life and give life a second chance, life happens and what happens, happens completely. I've destroyed myself only to realize this is not what you want, I wanted to be cool, I wanted to be in, I wanted to be in your circle only to realize you're way too far.
Sorry for everything I've done for being so outdated, fashion trends and life in general and for being so the way I am. Sorry for all the sorrow, the uncounted confusing days, nights, and I'm sorry for being so LOYAL, that I did not see our differences and that you're so, so apart from me. I want us to be free from all this, this is just a ritual of hurt crumpled an innocence, but it only starts with taking down these walls around our hearts and letting it break, I'm letting mine bleed. Sure, you might not ever seen this side of me because I only cry once with you and that's about your letter saying you're giving your blessings if I feel like I want to have a relationship with some other guys. I was so confused, I don't know what to do, I cried till the tears won't drop but my heart is still crying,
I was too young to fall in love and yet I loved you continuously but you never came back as you promised and I thought it was the end, my fault. I find a lot of freedom from accepting the things I can't change, I know that what I'm going through right now will not seem so much of a big deal year later. People can change to deepen. I want to touch you, yet if I do, I'm afraid. I hope you know me better for much of what I am, is made of you, so from a million thousand miles, I want you to be happy, that is all my concern, all the best with your family, beloved your wife, and constantly spend time with her.
If only I had met you after I've learned...
I’m saying this now despite the circumstances not because I hope somehow things will work out between us, but because I may never have the chance to say it again. And like you said; when one touched your life that person means so much to you, condition from friend, boyfriend, special someone or whatever, it doesn’t matter for as long as you’re able to feel how much you love that person and how much you care. I wanted to wake up from this bad dreams and things will go back to normal and maybe I should stop wishing for those moments when you’re gone or maybe not, or I guess we’ll never know or maybe I shouldn't have known you and that’s not so regretful.
I’m saying this now despite the circumstances not because I hope somehow things will work out between us, but because I may never have the chance to say it again. And like you said; when one touched your life that person means so much to you, condition from friend, boyfriend, special someone or whatever, it doesn’t matter for as long as you’re able to feel how much you love that person and how much you care. I wanted to wake up from this bad dreams and things will go back to normal and maybe I should stop wishing for those moments when you’re gone or maybe not, or I guess we’ll never know or maybe I shouldn't have known you and that’s not so regretful.
Today was filled with here and now, moments where I wished so hard I could stop time or at least play backward. I’ve always brushed aside the thought of us because it wasn’t rational, and I thought there was no attraction. I was resistant to all the things you did for me in the name of friendship but that doesn’t explain why when you put your arm around me, I wished you would pull me closer. It doesn’t explain why when you talked about other people I felt a tinge of jealousy. And most of all, it doesn’t explain why I'm wishing so hard that things wouldn’t have to change. That you don’t have to go. That I don’t have to ask myself these questions That we can stay the way we were.
...two people who were totally comfortable with one another.
Peace with me. So I can fight the feeling of not wanting you everyday. It's crazy, how I became so friggin insane about you, popping out at my door way. If you could just stayed any longer. Everytime you leave for Manila, it's hard to flash a smile when all I have to do is break down and cry, smiling is always been easier than explaining why I am sad. I got tired and didn't hold on tight because I felt like you never give me a reason to do so.
... so tired.
They don't know how despite my 'confident, independent' front, I constantly feel like a failure and I always worry about letting people down because with people, there's no such thing as second chance. They don't know how much I'd like to have friends that last a lifetime, even though I keep saying it doesn't affect me when friends come and go because I've gotten used to people leaving, because everyone leaves, and you will also, and that’s exactly how I feel about you.
Whatever it is, keep in mind that I adore you, and if only you came back to me sooner, then maybe we will have another chance of picking up where we left off. I was waiting for you to glance back, hug me tight and hold me to the point of it never letting me go, maybe I could have waited for you any longer, that can be my reason not to let go of the hold, hold to the bond that we usually have, then maybe to this day, it's US.
...two people who were totally comfortable with one another.
Peace with me. So I can fight the feeling of not wanting you everyday. It's crazy, how I became so friggin insane about you, popping out at my door way. If you could just stayed any longer. Everytime you leave for Manila, it's hard to flash a smile when all I have to do is break down and cry, smiling is always been easier than explaining why I am sad. I got tired and didn't hold on tight because I felt like you never give me a reason to do so.
... so tired.
They don't know how despite my 'confident, independent' front, I constantly feel like a failure and I always worry about letting people down because with people, there's no such thing as second chance. They don't know how much I'd like to have friends that last a lifetime, even though I keep saying it doesn't affect me when friends come and go because I've gotten used to people leaving, because everyone leaves, and you will also, and that’s exactly how I feel about you.
Whatever it is, keep in mind that I adore you, and if only you came back to me sooner, then maybe we will have another chance of picking up where we left off. I was waiting for you to glance back, hug me tight and hold me to the point of it never letting me go, maybe I could have waited for you any longer, that can be my reason not to let go of the hold, hold to the bond that we usually have, then maybe to this day, it's US.
Love,
me
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