I was in sixth grade when I first had my crush -- turned out to be my first ever love. A delight to my everyday mood, my mysterious adventure, my sunshine, my everything. And just to give you an introduction about HE; an Atenista in high school and a Thomasian in college, while I was in public school.
It was always in summer that I got a chance to see him, and took me three years to see him again -- still I got caught up in his presence, his charming eyes, humble looks, and witty smile. Irresistible as he was the first time I nailed my eyes on him, it felt like heaven. I wasn't expecting anything to happen soon, actually I was but who knows. While I was having my summer break of 1995 before my junior year here's what happened.
"Maya," a friend of mine said "My friend wanted to meet you, is that okay?" and I said "Sure, why not?" And he goes "Great, see you around 7 o'clock then" and I said "Okay." Clock is ticking and I didn't even recognize it was almost 7 o'clock and while I was with my siblings doing crazy stuff and goofing around, my friend came and to my surprise his friend was the same guy I have crush on since I was in grade school, and I will be in junior high so to speak during that time. The unexpected vivid recurrence of the past took place. Sweet! "Hi," his voice flowed into my being, "My name is Paulo, nice to meet you finally," and what am I thinking that all I do is to smile, speechless I am, and finally my mouth opened and I said "Hi, how are you?" and he smile, the sweetest smile of all, geez, it must be love. That night, that very moment, I know I'm in love with him, and I acknowledge the fact that we were both waiting for that moment where we can finally say "Hi" to each other and start it all, our story, our love.
He is three-year older than me and feels too good to be true that he was the same guy I am dreaming of, the guy I see myself getting older and preparing breakfast with. And so the story goes on...
And because he is older than me, and I don't mind, I was into things that aren't serious enough to waken me from the things that eventually jolted the bond we have, and that is to give importance to what we had and pay attention to what we are going through and what to expect as a couple, considering I was not the "capable type" of girl his family or shall I say some of his family would have wanted for him so-to-speak. I was the simplest girl around and I was the uncool one, the outdated version of me, I believe. I feel so little.
I was in my room thinking, overthinking to be honest, with my limited capacity to overshadow my belief that everything will be just fine as what he assured me, I brushed aside the thought of that unfavorable circumstances because I believe in him and I believe in our love. It carries on, him in Manila, me in Bicol, he sends me cards on our monthly anniversaries, and I will always be excited and anxious at the same time, reading and being able to feel his presence was invaluable.
"Maya!", his brother would shout for joy, "Kuya, asked me to hand you over this card, open it!" "Alright, alright, calm down," I said, "Oh, well little boy, the card says "Between You and Me, so I assumed I cannot read this with you, I'm sorry." "Oh, that's okay, but I'm happy for both of you,!" "Thanks anyway." "You're welcome, gotta go." "Alright, bye, you take care handsome." And I would have my precious moment, reading every word he wrote, I have to admit he had a poet tongue, I find it surprising, someone as quiet as him is POETIC. He may look as if he doesn't care but with all the cards and letters he sent me, I understand he's that most shy romantic and loving man I can ever met in this lifetime, he simply wins me over,
I wrote my response with all the words professing his love, my love, our love. I would write mine as if I'm making a novel book, telling him stories, my school, my dreams, my ever growing love for him and confessing about it over and over again, and as a common, I would seal it with a kiss. Very youth, then I would ask my classmate Sonny to send him my letter. "Sonny, would you please go to the post office and send this letter?" "Sure, why not." "Thanks, Son" and he would answer "Alright." And that continued for as long as he was in Manila and I was in Bicol.
Little did I know one early morning he sends me flower, a red rose, with smile in his face he handed me his first flower, "Good morning," he said, and I am as expected, speechless again, God, what is happening to me? I keep on asking myself that everytime he is around I feel peculiar like a chicken. "Thanks, what are you doing here at this very early?" I asked him, he said "I will take you to school," and with eyes wide open I said "What?" He smiled and said "Yes, I will take you to school, I'm leaving tomorrow for Manila, that's why I wanted to spend more time with you." And I said "Okay, let's go then." We both smile, and everyone who sees us would know we were in love with each other, and I believe we were. But the truth of the matter was all the time I thought he was in Manila he was here in Bicol, without me knowing. What is he doing here, showing up without a cautionary advice, and he showed up not to stay or to tell me he arrived but to say goodbye. I feel odd, that on the spur of the moment I was shaking, hurting, asking what is this? Why the hell he was here and I didn't know, and now I know because he's waving goodbye. When did he arrived? Why is he here? Why did he not informed me? How many days he stayed? Oh, God, what is wrong with me? And because as I've said I have my limitation which I gave myself just to avoid queries that can create conflict, my access to him was little. All I can do was to shut down and cry and hope for the best, that everything will be just fine. And as a promise the next day, the first saddest day of our story, he leaves for Manila and I have to be there with him, seeing him riding the bus, flashing a smile, and waving goodbye, that sucks, really sucks. "You take care, okay, I'll be back sembreak, wait for me, I love you." he said, and usually these are his words everytime he leaves for Manila, and I would go with "Yeah, love you too, take care" and so the bus goes but my tears won't.
As I walked back home, I am the saddest little girl, I didn't know what to expect, will he be back for me, will he forever be with me, the hopeless little girl shying away her tears and fixes her thoughts, "Bahala na." I would go straight to my room and cry for the rest of the night. I was really hopeless everytime he would leave. It's like crumbling my world over and over again, and with my young heart and mind I couldn't bear it no more. I almost give up. Months past, and I have to wake up early because I have an exam, so I go to school and sadness wants to be my buddy and so I take him with me while I'm having my exam. I leave school early, go home straight to my room again and the radio playing "I Love You More Than You'll Ever Know," geez seriosuly? I feel all alone, missing him, thinking if he is thinking of me, I wonder what he's doing, does he miss me, loneliness succumbed my being, just so sad. And he never know that part of me. How can he know? He doesn't even ask me about anything just this one time he asked me if I wanted to go with him to San Francisco, "Would you like to come with me to San Francisco?" And I would look at him with my heart trembles, what is he talking about? And I would answer "Yeah, but not now, I wanted to finish school and help my parents." And he would answer back "But of course. After I graduated from college I will get you here. I'll be the one sending you to school," and I never understand that, I don't know why. Maybe because it wasn't meant to be.
When finally it's past 7 o'clock when my mother called for dinner, and so I go down to have mine when suddenly someone called me "Maya, there's someone who wants to see you, he's outside, he told me not to tell his name because he wanted to surprise you," and I said "What?" "Yeah, just go and see for yourself." And at that very moment, seeing him, flaunting a smile, I knew it was him, the guy I longed for, for almost months now, not to count the years I've waited for him. In his excited tone he said "Surprise, can I hug you? Did you miss me?" he added, I smile and be speechless again, I wanted to feel his presence, his touch, I wanted to just be there and listen to his voice, and to just let the moment be, and eventually I said "I missed you, why are you here it's not yet sembreak?" and he answered me "I missed you and I wanted to see you, and so I road trip to be here with you," and I smile and said "Thank you." And we hugged, really tight. How can someone, like him do that effort just to see me, priceless, I know straight from my heart he loved me. And I loved him so.
During that time I'm having the most disturbing thoughts about him, about us, I was into my queries, I was very hesitant, I was confused, I'm having the most excruciating pain. I was in my most tacit moment of my life. I don't talk because that is my norms with him, he do all the talking I'll do all the listening and that is the most painful part, being able to listen and not being able to talk, imagine how I coped with it, with everything. Simple, I fight the feeling of being disturbed and dubious because I love him enough to just bear all the pain. I was a superwoman. I believe. But days come and go. I won the battle. And he's still in Manila and me in Bicolandia.
And so we exchanged letters, I send him mine and he send his, with heart in it, kisses flying, and overflowing love, I know we were doing just fine. It goes on but not quite so. he had his life there, and mine here, and we were too busy with our own literally separate lives. I was too young to understand things, primarily not because I was too in love with the idea of me and him ending up but the fact that I was weighed less, unconsidered to be his girl, unwanted to be, uninvited by everyone in his life. That hurts, and I wrestle about it for almost half of our relationship but I never talk nor argue with him regarding that. I was silent in pain. I grieved that part of our story. He never see that part of me, solely fighting for our love, for my love. At that time I wasn't paying attention much on that vague painful context of our relationship, all I care was the "me and you against all odds and we can do it just be solid." But it wasn't all that, happy-loving-we can do this affirmation. I'm only human and so does he.
to be continued...
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