The greatest dreams are always unrealistic. Now, I'm looking back with a mocking smile, with stifled gasp and my throat flowed uninterrupted. I'm giving up, my life, my dreams, on what I believed the most important phase in my entire being, I'm giving up on you.
I can no longer be patient, I make a great effort, 'been there-done that' but still. I was bewildered by your torturing expressions, you're like a gratuitous drug, you make me feel unrested, ripped, broken, you make me feel jaded.
Maybe my smile was unconvincing but you cannot scrutinize my face, you too, you're wearing the most annoyed-regretful eyes in this whole damn world. We all have that kind of feeling, you know, loosing the one you loved just because you are stupid enough not to fight for that very special person. You're lying if you will say you never felt this. Pardon me, but I'm just being worthy of being depended on.
You were my hectic frenzy sleepless nights. A roaring to life that threatened me, though I have a choice and the choice was to cut you out of my life, and who cares. NOBODY.
I was relieved when a dangerous empty instinct browsed the page and what I saw was your glowing life. Unfortunately, triggers my nerve to fluctuate, yet arrived me to what I considered necessary and acceptable, "LOOSING THE FAITH and GIVING UP ON SOMETHING I LOVE THE MOST." It was basically the original and considered thoughts at that very moment.
And then I find things easy, though this is always be new to me, the feeling of child-like playing outside then suddenly it rains, and all I can to do is run inside and allow the pelting rain to stream down my riddled thoughts. So sad, I cannot do anything. Why does it have to rain when I'm having fun with the sun? The exact overwhelming feeling I had when our story nearly end...
I'm afraid of life-twist-riffled-event-waiting moment, of gravity, up and down, It was unforgivable for me to behave so but it happened, and life happen, and it happens completely. If only you can still remember the day when you asked me "Do you want to go to San Francisco and live with me there?" And then I looked at you in a naive manner, having no idea what you're trying to compel. I hope it was something obligating, that you're compelling me to do exactly as you told me, then maybe I have obeyed you.
In a flare of resentment, I wanted to cry out my being "F Free World, F everything, gravity, destiny, choices, rules and everything that halted us from being one. Soon, anguish refuse my avoidance, it runs deeply in my heart, what I knew was the right thing then... the need to see you again but how? Yet, life goes on.
Since I was usually described as a wise story-teller and you as a cool-riddled-mystery man, I am not surprise to find you the same description. Because I know for a fact that was the reason I feel in love with you.
I understand we are both fighting the feeling of drowning in love with each other, with someone we barely know.
Twenty years past, the feeling of wanting to see you persisted. I can still feel the excruciating desire of "MUST HAPPEN," yet I am unselfish enough to wrestle for what is decently appropriate, and that is to give up the thoughts of YOU. An inclination to somehow put an end to what I believed is not serving me fair, and right to the people around me for that matter.
Happy to let go...
As I was sitting on my couch, things started to run in my thoughts and it brings to mind a memory of you, of me, of us. It was just a short phase of time though but it was a phenomenon reminiscing all afternoon.
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