Real One

As much as I wanted to extend my verbal expression about my first pick on the most relevant post I've read on the internet I would just go to the ones I can relate so here we go;

Number (1) was the first thing that caught my attention yet, I'll save the best for last.  I'll go first with the;

Number (11) Make peace with your past so it won't mess up with the present. Hmm, just realized things from my past. What if my past doesn't want to make peace? What should I do? Do I have to chase on it just to make peace regardless of the circumstances? Well, there was this favorite person of mine whom I hurt the most; I mean we're both in so much agony of the delicate things we didn't handle the way we should and we both developed anguish, emotional distress, and the feeling of trying to avoid the pain of loneliness and yet we both drove ourselves there. It took me 15 long years when I wrote him, you know, professing the so called "story of us" thing; every moment, the love, the sacrifices, the pain, and the good byes, that up to now when I check my emails I would stop and read my letter to that person and still it gives me the feeling of yesterday, so fresh -- so tangible that it makes me cry bitterly. The chilling effect of "What Ifs". An agony, geez. It wasn't the chance or whatever you want to call it, I took the risk and the opportunity to peace because I deserve my present. They say "If you don't take risk then you're wasting your soul." So there it was sent, seen but no reaction, none, nothing, just SEEN. Just like the coldness of the icy snowman in L.A. And so in a rational manner I've decided to stop right there and then; back off girl, it was done, and the word said "Make peace" and so you did. It doesn't said that they must also peace with you reciprocally. The effort, the awkwardness, the feeling of unwantedness and all that confusing manifestations that can arise from this and can succumbed my being again is enough for me to bear. I did it! And that's far more than enough. Enough is enough. I am Worthy and I remember that. It's all up to him. Not mine.

 Number (28) Forgive yes but forget not. I forgive easily. I even forget what's done even if it crushed to the point of me swooning, really. But the one I will discuss is different. A married couple I know for 16 years now. A good looking couple I might say, they were the happy-loved-fulfill couple I know beside my parents. But they don't have the so-called "Fruit of the womb," yeah, a little bit sad but knowing them they were happy more than a bird with french fries. They go life, they love life and they were a religious couple. One day the husband cheated on her but the wife already knew it the first sign. They quarreled over the question as to why would you do such horrible-betrayal-unrespectful-inhuman thing to your wife, who was there for you all along, who sacrificed so much, who gives you understanding, who comforts you, who love you unconditionally, who give up her life just to give you a decent family, a tidy home, a good food, and to make everything in good order, she even taught herself to know and love God so she can love you better. Why did you do this? See... how can she forgive with that so much pain she can't barely assume. But you know what she does amazed me. With all those exhausted -- wasted time they quarrelled she realized she wasn't alone, she had God. And while she's praying, she decides on something beautiful, she compose herself, she do things the way she always does in that marriage and then one day her husband asks her "Why are you so calm after what we've been through, I'm kinda scared" she replied "With all the betrayal you've done I fail to keep my calmness, I lose my grip on life, I lose myself in the process, and I almost forgot I have God, and now I have decided to leave you peacefully, I have plans, tomorrow I will go some place where I'm wanted and loved, because when you cheated on me you're telling me you don't need me. and so I go. I will go in a peaceful manner, I don't want to quarrel anymore, i won't fight with you. you can now go with your mistress." And so the husband begged for his wife not to leave him, he begged his wife's forgiveness and asked his wife's permission to pray the Rosary with her. And so they did. She forgives him for God's sake. It was all for the Glory of God that she forgives not only because she want peace for herself. And I am certain that she cannot moved past this life's excruciating experience without God. I just know that. So we forgive because we have God. Some forgive because they want to douse of past history that may have be disadvantageous and have negative effect on their life. Some forgive because it's their nature. And I forgive because I deserve life and I am a child of God.

To be continued ...

Fox in Flats

 

The coolest...

"Dress not to impress but to make the day lighter and bolder -- specially Mondays." 

I am a conformist, unconventional life style is so appealing to me. I'm into classic, vintage, unique, and unusual stuff that recites a story, something so modernly royal. I am fascinated with clothes that displays eccentricity, which I commonly referred to as queer style, I find it very likeable and I fancy every garbs which distinguished the personality of the user, so cool and comfy at the same time which I think the most important characteristic in general not to mention the power it gives the wearer to look more lovely and attractive. Spell design and those eccentric line of clothing are my fave, my happiness. I go with rustic look, easy cool, classy jeans and shirt with a little bit of modern kick like I said. Something I less expect people to wear but there -- donning it the most luxurious way ever.

P.S. I am a gypsy... love wondrous bohemian fashion!

Turning Point -- Summer '95

The greatest dreams are always unrealistic. Now, I'm looking back with a mocking smile, with stifled gasp and my throat flowed uninterrupted. I'm giving up, my life, my dreams, on what I believed the most important phase in my entire being, I'm giving up on you.

I can no longer be patient, I make a great effort, 'been there-done that' but still. I was bewildered by your torturing expressions, you're like a gratuitous drug, you make me feel unrested, ripped, broken, you make me feel jaded. 

Maybe my smile was unconvincing but you cannot scrutinize my face, you too, you're wearing the most annoyed-regretful eyes in this whole damn world. We all have that kind of feeling, you know, loosing the one you loved just because you are stupid enough not to fight for that very special person. You're lying if you will say you never felt this. Pardon me, but I'm just being worthy of being depended on.

You were my hectic frenzy sleepless nights. A roaring to life that threatened me, though I have a choice and the choice was to cut you out of my life, and who cares. NOBODY.

I was relieved when a dangerous empty instinct browsed the page and what I saw was your glowing life. Unfortunately, triggers my nerve to fluctuate, yet arrived me to what I considered necessary and acceptable, "LOOSING THE FAITH and GIVING UP ON SOMETHING I LOVE THE MOST." It was basically the original and considered thoughts at that very moment.

And then I find things easy, though this is always be new to me, the feeling of child-like playing outside then suddenly it rains, and all I can to do is run inside and allow the pelting rain to stream down my riddled thoughts. So sad, I cannot do anything. Why does it have to rain when I'm having fun with the sun? The exact overwhelming feeling I had when our story nearly end...

I'm afraid of life-twist-riffled-event-waiting moment, of gravity, up and down, It was unforgivable for me to behave so but it happened, and life happen, and it happens completely. If only you can still remember the day when you asked me "Do you want to go to San Francisco and live with me there?" And then I looked at you in a naive manner, having no idea what you're trying to compel. I hope it was something obligating, that you're compelling me to do exactly as you told me, then maybe I have obeyed you.

In a flare of resentment, I wanted to cry out my being "F Free World, F everything, gravity, destiny, choices, rules and everything that halted us from being one. Soon, anguish refuse my avoidance, it runs deeply in my heart, what I knew was the right thing then... the need to see you again but how? Yet, life goes on.

Since I was usually described as a wise story-teller and you as a cool-riddled-mystery man, I am not surprise to find you the same description. Because I know for a fact that was the reason I feel in love with you. 

I understand we are both fighting the feeling of drowning in love with each other, with someone we barely know.

Twenty years past, the feeling of wanting to see you persisted. I can still feel the excruciating desire of "MUST HAPPEN," yet I am unselfish enough to wrestle for what is decently appropriate, and that is to give up the thoughts of YOU. An inclination to somehow put an end to what I believed is not serving me fair, and right to the people around me for that matter.

Happy to let go...

As I was sitting on my couch, things started to run in my thoughts and it brings to mind a memory of you, of me, of us. It was just a short phase of time though but it was a phenomenon reminiscing all afternoon.